The Dying Art of Eating without Guilt

Quite honestly, I’m super tired of conversations revolving around what people are not eating. 

“17 days of no sugar” (as I’m on my second chocolate tart)

“I’ve given up gluten” (where's my toasted sour dough bread with loads of butter?)

“It’s my 1 year anniversary of turning vegan” (are we celebrating that now?)

“No carbs for me please” (no rice? what do I eat my curry with then?)

Imagine going for a meal with one of these people (I hope my vegetarian-turned-vegan-off-gluten friends aren’t reading this). I’ve learned the hard way to not get annoyed though, by pretending that I’m at the table by myself. In fact I’ve now made it a fun activity by ordering all the ‘wrong’ things when I’m with the people eating ‘right’. 

I have to say that, having grown up with parents with healthy habits (more dad than mom), such as eating early, consuming balanced, mostly vegetarian meals, lectures at the table when we kids would refuse to eat something that didn’t taste good but was good for us … you get the gist, I’ve been brainwashed into eating right most of the time. 

‘Most of the time’ is the key phrase here. There was the usual cheating with deep fried foods, desserts (Bengali sweets are healthy is what we believed) etc. Eating out was never healthy - you ate what you desired without a second thought. Ice-cream sundaes and Flury’s cakes were not frowned upon. Binge eating happened at the big festivals and birthdays. My parents lived fairly healthy and long lives until almost the end. 

The other day this girl, who’s a regular at the cafe and who is always careful about what she eats, said to me.

“I’ve been fantasising about your carrot pineapple cake for weeks now,” she said.

“So what’s stopping you from eating it?” I asked.

It was the calories, the sugar, the cream cheese frosting that looked so decadent.

I thought about it for a second, wanting to somehow convince her to eat it. 

“Well,” I started off saying. “I’m not going to push you to order it but if you do decide to, it’s very important that you eat it with a 100% pleasure and 0% guilt. Otherwise it just won’t taste good.”

She laughed and asked if I would sit with her while she ate it. It may sound like a strange request but I totally got it. Pretending however, to not have got it, I looked at her questioningly. 

“If you sit with me, it’ll be a constant reminder of what you just said about eating without guilt,” she said to me. 

“How about I join you with a slice of my own?” I asked, suddenly wanting cake.

Her eyes lit up. “That would be awesome!”

A second later she added, “I’m paying for your slice too.”

I laughed and asked her why she would do that.

“You’re eating that cake to help me enjoy my slice more. It’s only fair that it should be my treat. I absolutely insist.”

So we ordered an extremely generous slice of cake each and savoured each bite together.

“I’ll never forget this cake,” she said as she licked her spoon. “It’s been a while since I ate dessert without guilt.”

“Tastes a lot better, doesn’t it?” It was a rhetorical question of course. The pleasure on her face was telling me all. 

While writing this, I got really hungry and decided to treat myself to a bacon and cheese frittata. 

Yeah I know it’ll kill me. Just like living will. 

2018 - The Year that Was

Each time we enter into a new calendar year, we tend to reflect upon the one that just went by. Or at least I do. And my verdict for 2018 is that personally, it was a pretty good year for me. I ended the past year with my friends in Kolkata, with laughter, food and travel and began this year with a minor surgery, left over from the accident I had a couple of years ago and something I had been putting off for a while. 

Bringing in the new year with friends

This information was shared with you, not to get sympathy or attention (honestly!) but to talk a little about how working on my mind the past 2 years has helped me to treat the entire hospital episode as just another day (or two) in my life. Of course, the fact that it was a minor surgical procedure helped but it’s never fun to be in an institution where everyone is broken or ill. Or being under the knife. Thankfully I stayed calm through the two days earlier this week, slept like a baby (without aid) and enjoyed the surprisingly good hospital food!

Now going back to last year - it really was a landmark year of sorts for me as I officially got into the ‘feeding’ industry. When I met Ranjeet almost exactly a year ago at the Kolkata airport, I honestly did not think that I would be running a brand new cafe, with so much of ‘me’ in it. While I’ve always enjoyed cooking, feeding and taking culinary lessons, it was always treated as a hobby. In 2018 it became more than that.

Close to my heart - Terra Bites

Cooking for family and friends, and cooking for strangers who are paying for their meals, is like night and day. The former will always appreciate whatever you lay out in front of them, many people from the latter group will try and find fault with everything. Believe me when I tell you that it’s really hard to be judged constantly. 

Thankfully and knock on wood, the response by and large has been fantastic. There will always be some I won’t please, regardless of what I do but as long as I’m seeing happy faces leave the cafe, many of who are returning often, I am nothing short of thrilled. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now because although I’m working on eliminating fear from my mind, I am still afraid to jinx it!! 

Besides the cafe, the year also had me being involved in a story I had written that a friend of mine, Aditya, wanted to turn into a short film. Writing the screenplay together and then being a part of the shoot was an experience that has made me understand films from a completely different perspective. Hopefully the movie will be released for all of you to watch sometime in the early part of this year. 

Coming soon - Fingers crossed!

Although I travelled a fair amount, it took a little bit of a backseat due to these other activities. After three years I went back to my favourite place, Ladakh, and got close to the mountains that I so dearly love. A trip to Varkala during the devastating floods in Kerala, made me realise once again how vulnerable we are to losing our lives. 

Ah Ladakh! How I had missed you

And I have to thank this vulnerability, that I experienced all through 2016, for helping me turn my life around. To do the things I kept putting off, where I can proudly say that I’ve mostly overcome this disease called procrastination. Where into my middle ages I feel like I’m starting life once again, being thankful for every opportunity to learn, grow and enjoy from what life throws my way. My goal for this year is to forget the meaning of fear. 

Once upon a time, when I was a young boy, my dad had my palm read by an ‘expert’. While I have no recollection of what he predicted from those lines, the one thing that (strangely) stayed with me was that I would become famous in the food industry. I’ve always wondered why this piece of information made such an impact, even at that age, that I never forgot about it. And although I have no interest in fame, I think I would like to feed more people and have them appreciate and enjoy what comes out of a kitchen that I may run. 

None of us know what’s in store for us this year, this month, tomorrow or even the next moment. I’ve given up making plans for the future and have never believed in having a bucket list. The future is now and the bucket is going to get kicked in any case. Make the most of the present and have a rocking 2019!

Conversations - Remembering and Forgetting

Hey, what's going on?

Don't ask dude ....

Too late. Already asked

I'm cleaning out my closet

(laughs)

That doesn't sound like you at all

I found these jeans I had completely forgotten about

(pauses)

And guess what?

They still fit you perfectly

Hehe they do

That’s hardly a surprise. I don’t think you’ve gained even an ounce since college

(pauses)

Sooooo ….

Do you want to catch a movie this afternoon?

I can’t

Why not?

I promised myself I wasn’t going to step out of the house until I was done cleaning

Come on …

No seriously. I’ve just been putting this off for too long. I have no space left in my closet

How long does it take to clean out a closet?

Oh man. You have no idea. You should come see the mess

Should I?

No!!!!! Absolutely not!!!!!!

(laughs)

Why? What are you hiding in those closets?

Too many skeletons 

(pauses)

And it’s time for them to go!

Do I know any of these skeletons?

I’m not saying ….

Seriously … when will you be done?

Maybe we can catch up in the evening

No dude. Today is pretty much out of the question.

Cleaning sucks. Especially when you have no idea what needs to stay and what needs to go

I could help you decide

Nope

That was rude! You could at least pretend that I could be of help

Haven’t you known me long enough to know that I don’t pretend?

You've known me long enough to give me a peek into your closet

Okay I know this pink top is definitely going. No brainer

I didn’t think pink was your colour

It was a gift. And now it’s spent enough time taking space

(pauses)

You know what the problem with me is?

That’s a long list. Where would you like me to start?

Asshole!

Okay so what is the problem with you?

The problem is that most of what I have has a memory attached to them. Half the stuff I don’t even wear anymore

And so you can’t get rid of most of the stuff?

I guess I can. It just makes me nervous to lose those memory associations

So what are you saying?

I’m not sure

(pauses)

I’m a little afraid to forget possibly ...

But maybe it’s time to move on

Maybe it is. But how do I know for sure?

You don’t know for sure. Nobody knows for sure. But we make a decision to discard and move on.

Also, you didn’t tell me what the problem with you is?

Maybe I’m not ready to discard and move on. Maybe I want to keep holding on to those memories

For the rest of your life?

That's a little extreme, don't you think? 

(pauses)

How about until the next time I decide to clean out my closet

I have a feeling we'll be having the same conversation then too

You don't know that

How about you categorise the memories and get rid of some associations today?

How about you let me figure out what I need to do?

You’re being weird now

I am, right? I guess I’m getting rid of the jeans

The ones you can still fit into?

Yup. Those jeans

But why? If you can still wear them ….

That’s not the important part. The important thing is to move on

I want to check out your closets once you’re done

You’ll be surprised. They’ll be a lot emptier than you would expect

Conversations - One Isn't a Lonely Number

Hey, I’ve been trying to reach you for a while

Really? The phone’s right next to me

Are you home?

No. I was supposed to meet this friend at a cafe close to home. But he had to cancel at the last moment

So where are you then?

At the cafe

Alone?

No. There are actually quite a few people here

You know that’s not what I’m asking

Yes I’m here by myself

Smartass

(pauses)

So why are you still there if this ‘friend’ didn’t show up?

Why shouldn’t I be?

Isn’t it weird?

Isn’t what weird?

(sighs)

To be alone … I mean ‘by yourself’ at a cafe. Don’t you feel like a loser?

And why are you being so difficult?

I’m not being difficult. I’m just trying to understand what the issue is.

Is it because I’m a woman?

Well … I wouldn’t go to a cafe by myself. It’s usually a place to hang out with someone over a coffee or something

Actually, I’m looking around me and there are 4 other single person tables

Four more weirdos

Have you considered that maybe you’re the weird one?

If I went to a cafe by myself, I’d be uncomfortably staring at my phone the entire time.

Is that what you’re doing?

Kinda hard to stare at my phone and speak to you at the same time.

But then you’re probably the guy who can’t watch a movie in the theatre by himself.

Absolutely not! Can you?

I do it all the time

You watch movies alone?

By myself, yes. I prefer it that way

How come I didn’t know this about you until now?

Maybe because you love to talk about yourself all the time?

That wasn’t very nice. Maybe true. But not nice

(laughs)

Shall I come over?

Why? To rescue me?

You sound like you could use some company

Actually I’m having a really good time, hanging out by myself. 

You should try it sometime

No way! So what were you doing before I called?

Waiting for you to call!

Really?

No idiot. Not really!

I was drinking my chai, having a slice of cake and thinking about stuff

What kind of stuff?

Stuff that I’d rather not share with you

Why not? Who would you rather share them with

They’re private thoughts. I’d rather not share them with anyone actually

What kind of private thoughts?

Private thoughts that I don’t want to share. Remember?

So how long are you going to be there?

Until I’m done thinking

Tell me where you are. I want to come think with you

Only on one condition

What?

We’ll do our thinking at separate tables

Death of a Stranger

I’m sure that some of you will not want to read this piece or after going through it, wish that I hadn’t written it. I debated about it in my mind but then I can’t pretend that life is fluffy and fun constantly, as much as I would like it to be for all of us. Sometimes it’s also dark and depressing and many of us have been in that place for some reason or the other. 

On June 8th, just a couple of days ago, Anthony Bourdain was found dead in his hotel room. More shocking than his passing was the news that he had killed himself. 

‘That can’t be right. Why would Anthony Bourdain, the man with such a fantastic life, envied by so many, commit suicide?’ was the first thought that came to my mind. 

As I’m very certain it came to most people’s minds that were in some way affected by his death. Especially since people who were close to him, including his mother, could never have imagined that this is how his life would end. The rest of us were just fans of his shows on television or his books. And it was his life that was the envy of every food enthusiast.

This morning I received a text message from a friend who had gifted me one of his books recently. Here’s what the message said verbatim:

2 days later - I am still wishing it’s not true. And I have not watched an entire episode of any of his shows. Just excerpts. He makes me doubt a lot of my unending bucket list. It hurts me at a level I did not expect a stranger could. 

I wrote back to her saying that I felt pretty much the same way (besides the bucket list part, since I don’t believe in having one). It’s not possible that Mr. Bourdain, the man with the seemingly perfect life, would take this step. Except that he did. 

So what about the rest of us, with such ordinary lives in comparison? Are we better off? I’m not so sure.

I’ve come across suicide a few times in the past year. Not people I directly knew but people who were close to people that I’m close to. Just one degree of separation, which isn’t very much at all. Recently a friend of mine confessed to me that he had attempted to take his life twice in the past few years. “Couldn’t even do that right,” he said with a smile. This is a man who I constantly share laughs with when we meet - we don’t see each other too often but when we do, it’s always a riot. I never had any idea of what was going on in that head of his and that his mind had been in such a dark place. 

Not to say that my mind hadn’t been in that dark place either, when I had convinced myself after my accident that I would never walk again. 

Why Anthony Bourdain took his own life, may always remain a mystery. I suspect that the media will continue to look for clues, to speak to people he was close to and write about possible reasons for him to have taken such a step. Eventually it will all be speculation because the only person who can tell us what was really going on in his mind when he used the belt of the hotel bathrobe to hang himself, isn’t around any longer. 

Another friend of mine posted something on this subject on social media that is food for thought. 

She talked about how agonizing Anthony Bourdain’s life must have been in the instant that he decided to end it. 

Would you and I ever think of his life being agonizing? The man who traveled the world just to eat at the most interesting places?

She questioned if someone who had lived with such boldness and autonomy deserved the right to say when their time in this life was over.

Our lives are not what they used to be in innumerable ways. With the stresses that we put upon ourselves, are we getting to a point where suicide will not be frowned upon? 

She ended her post saying that withering long past your ability to enjoy life, growing fragile, lonely, fearful, dependent and merely hanging on in purgatorial misery holds no mobility. 

Anthony Bourdain lived his life as he pleased and left on his own terms. Who are we to judge?

If we really want to, we can maybe justify Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade and Robin Williams (all celebrities with supposedly enviable lives) killing themselves. However, I would like to believe that there is no darkness so strong, that it can withstand light passing through forever. I would like to believe that tears will always stop to make room for smiles. That there are always more reasons to live than there are to die. 

I would also like to believe that my next piece will be inspired by a happy event.

The Truth about Neil and Isha

This is a true story.

At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed.

Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.

P.S. Nobody actually died in this story.

Yes, for those who have watched Fargo, I just finished going through Season 3 last night. Hence the hangover. Plus the names of the characters have really been changed in this true story that I’m about to tell you.

Isha and Neil met two years ago at a small dinner party that was thrown by a common friend. Well, actually Neil didn’t know this ‘common friend’ but had tagged along with Yash, who was invited to the dinner. The reason he had tagged along was that Neil was new in the city and was staying at Yash’s apartment, until he found a place of his own. This has no relevance to the story - just thought I’d throw it in for no apparent reason. 

At the dinner table, Isha and Neil sat next to each other, by which time they were reasonably well acquainted. Isha thought Neil had a certain innocence that she found endearing. Isha also found it interesting (and cute) that when Neil smiled, only the right side of his mouth moved from its original position. And she couldn’t help but admire his impeccable sense of dressing. 

Neil was instantly attracted to Isha. The moment he walked into the party, his eyes were oblivious to everyone but her. He liked her uninhibited laugh. Neil loved her really short hair and how it took nothing away from her femininity. He liked the fact that she drank whiskey and not some girlie cocktail. Isha looked like she had spent all of 10 minutes getting ready for the party and still looked fabulous. And Neil, who had been around a lot of women in his life, noticed her almost unpainted face, her classic sense of dressing and approved. 

As you may have guessed, it wasn’t long before Neil and Isha began dating. 

“Is she the one I’ve been searching for all this time?” he asked himself.

“He’s just so perfect,” she said to her friends. “I can’t believe how lucky I got.”

Barely a month into their relationship, Neil moved in with Isha. 

‘Too soon?’ he wondered.

‘It just feels so right,’ she thought.

Her light snoring was like white noise to him. Put him to sleep right away.

She loved that he made her a big breakfast every morning.

He thought her eating breakfast like a horse was adorable. 

“Most important meal of the day”, she said to him.

He also loved that she was happy to drop him to work and pick him up in the evening.

“Traffic in this city sucks. We should just Uber it,” he said.

“I don’t mind driving babe,” was her response. 

"You're adorable," he said blowing her a kiss.

"No, you are," she said with a crooked smile. 

They celebrated their first month anniversary of living together. He bought her an enormous bouquet of flowers. She bought him a dozen crimson roses. 

“They were the manliest flowers I could find. Why can’t men get flowers?” she asked.

“No reason,” he responded.

“Lets not go out,” they both decided.

They stayed in with bottles of chilled beer, pepperoni pizza, four kinds of ice-cream and jazz in the background.

“This is the best evening,” he said.

“The absolute best,” she agreed.

Five more months went by. They didn’t celebrate those monthly anniversaries any longer though.

“I don’t want us to be one of those ‘sickeningly in love’ couples,” she said.

“Pukingly in love,” he replied.

A few more months and it was their one year anniversary. However, neither of them had remembered. Waking up in the living room couch, he felt relieved when he realized that Isha wasn’t home. He didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness after the words that had been exchanged the previous night. His suitcases were already packed and all he wanted was to get out of the apartment before she returned with that annoying face and her barber shop haircut. And that irritating laugh of hers would probably ring in his head for the rest of his life. He couldn’t stand her snoring and had started sleeping on the couch. And who the heck eats that much every single morning? 

She had left the apartment early, not wanting to see him again. 

“I can’t stand that stupid smile of his!” she had said emphatically to Yash as they ordered breakfast. “It couldn’t be any more fake.”

"The asshole's innocent face had me completely fooled."

“Takes him longer to get dressed than me in the morning.”

“Why the hell can’t he take over the wheel once in a while? Do I look like his bloody chauffeur?”

And so their one year anniversary came and went. Life got better for both of them without the other being around. Everything that they had loved about each other became the very things that began getting on their nerves. 

“What did I ever see in him?” she thought.

“I must have lost my mind,” thought he.

And so dear reader, I come to the end of this story. And while you may think that the whole thing is made up, it is as real as you and I. You know what they say about familiarity. It really does breed contempt.