Unsent Letters

 A couple of years ago I decided that I would publish a book of short stories and began writing them as and when I came up with an idea. Well, I haven't made too much progress and with all the uncertainty we've been going thru this past year, who knows what's in store tomorrow. And so I figured that I would begin sharing the stories on my blog instead. Here's the first one. I hope you enjoy it. 

Dear Vinay

I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a letter using a pen and paper. There’s a perfectly good reason why I am handwriting this. Or at least it sort of makes sense to me. I don’t want to go back and change something or make corrections to what I’ve written, like I could on my laptop or phone. The first words that come to me are the words that I want you to read. Yes, I could trash the page and start again but this is beautiful hand-made paper that I’ve bought and it deserves more respect than being in the trash.

It’s been exactly one month and three days since the two of us decided to take a sabbatical from our respective jobs so we could think about our situation without being distracted by work emails and conference calls and deadlines and our self importance in organizations that would replace us in no time if we quit. 

It’s been almost a month since we’ve taken a sabbatical from each other. Every morning when I wake up, I think of you being somewhere in the hills and I can’t help feeling a teeny bit jealous. Not because I wish I was also in the hills - you know I’m too much of a city girl - but because I feel that the surrounding beauty may make you forget me. As for me, I’m back in our apartment where everything reminds me of you. Doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? Of course, I could be elsewhere, just like you but after a couple of weeks of scampering around, I needed to be back in my comfort zone.

Six years of being together isn’t very long. Our parents have been together a lifetime without seeming unhappy or restless. Does ‘restless’ best describe how we’ve been feeling about being with each other in a committed relationship? Should we have become a habit by now and be satisfied with going through the motions of everyday life? Is it unrealistic to expect us to continue to be madly in love after all these years? I’m aware that the answer to the last question is that of course it is unrealistic and we should have transitioned seamlessly into the next phase of our relationship. 

I just wish we knew what that phase is supposed to be. 

Together we made a decision to not have kids, since we seem to be missing the parental instinct that most couples apparently have. It hasn’t been easy with all the questions and the probing, but we were prepared for all of that. ‘Our lives our choice’, right? We’ve always been very sure about the two of us being enough for each other. So then what happened all of a sudden? Why this strange restlessness?

I was talking to Aarti about us yesterday. You know I tell Aarti everything, so yeah I told her about our current situation also. Don’t worry though - everyone else thinks that you’re off to write a book and I’m just taking some time off from work. Aarti on the other hand gets regular updates about what I’m feeling. She said to me that she has never been more sure about any couple as she is about us. And that you and I were meant to spend our lives together. While I usually don’t take such comments seriously, it made me wonder a little about the day that we first met. 

It was on the day of Aarti’s 25th birthday. After being the one who had planned the party, I found out the day before that I had to travel to Mumbai the very same night as her birthday for an early meeting the next morning. Makes me smile now but I was so mad!! So I booked myself on the absolute last flight and found myself sitting next to this charming young man who I ended up marrying. Just like in the movies!

The meeting got scheduled at the last minute. Never one to take a red-eye, I made an exception on that day. I reached the airport at the last minute, didn’t do a web check-in and ended up getting seated next to the cutest guy on the flight. Who I may remind you, had missed his original flight thanks to traffic! Coincidence or meant to be?

Last week I was watching a show on Netflix in which a couple with two young children, were discussing their marriage and how the spark had gone out of it. The woman asked her husband how invested he was in their marriage, which really made me laugh. How does one even answer that question? It’s not a retirement fund that you can decide on a percentage of your investment. The husband, in typical film jargon (or is this how people are talking now?) said that he was processing what she had asked and would let her know the answer when it came to him. I honestly could not stop rolling my eyes.

Vinay, I don’t know when you’re coming back home and if this will still be home for you when you return. I’m trying really hard not to overthink but this mind doesn’t take a break. I try to think of each day of those 6 years that we’ve spent together and the ones that come to my mind are some exceptionally good days and some not so great ones. The ‘not so great’ ones seem silly and immature and I honestly only have a fuzzy recollection of them. The good ones on the other hand, I remember clear as day. 

There have been times, I admit, when I wished that I was still carefree and single. And knowing you as well as I do, I’m sure that you have the same thoughts. We’ve always known that we aren’t like conventional couples and we like being who we are. They say that opposites attract but it’s our sameness, our way of thinking, what we both expect from life (to continue to evolve and be happy) that makes us such perfect partners. I honestly don’t think that the restlessness is in our marriage. It’s in everything else around us. 

Without a doubt, it’s time for some changes. Those changes though are not in how we are with each other. We’ve got into a rut that we have to get out of. How did our careers and earning money get in the way of what we really want in life? We both want more, even if it means that we have less. I have no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way. 

Our time apart has made one thing completely clear to me. I definitely don’t want to wake up next to anyone besides you. I miss having you around. I miss your presence. I miss our conversations about everything and nothing. I miss our silences together. I miss going to the movies with you. I miss not agreeing on which movie to watch. I bought a chocolate covered ice-cream bar and missed sharing it with you. I could go on and on. I just miss you and I want you back. Our marriage isn’t broken or breaking. We just have to figure out what the next phase is. 

I will accept whatever decision you come back with. Or I will fight for you to be mine forever, though I hope that it won’t be necessary. Please come back home.

With all my love

M

*** 

With a smile on her face, Maya watched Vinay sleeping without a care in the world. She folded up the letter and put it back into its unaddressed hand-made paper envelope. 

2018 - The Year that Was

Each time we enter into a new calendar year, we tend to reflect upon the one that just went by. Or at least I do. And my verdict for 2018 is that personally, it was a pretty good year for me. I ended the past year with my friends in Kolkata, with laughter, food and travel and began this year with a minor surgery, left over from the accident I had a couple of years ago and something I had been putting off for a while. 

Bringing in the new year with friends

This information was shared with you, not to get sympathy or attention (honestly!) but to talk a little about how working on my mind the past 2 years has helped me to treat the entire hospital episode as just another day (or two) in my life. Of course, the fact that it was a minor surgical procedure helped but it’s never fun to be in an institution where everyone is broken or ill. Or being under the knife. Thankfully I stayed calm through the two days earlier this week, slept like a baby (without aid) and enjoyed the surprisingly good hospital food!

Now going back to last year - it really was a landmark year of sorts for me as I officially got into the ‘feeding’ industry. When I met Ranjeet almost exactly a year ago at the Kolkata airport, I honestly did not think that I would be running a brand new cafe, with so much of ‘me’ in it. While I’ve always enjoyed cooking, feeding and taking culinary lessons, it was always treated as a hobby. In 2018 it became more than that.

Close to my heart - Terra Bites

Cooking for family and friends, and cooking for strangers who are paying for their meals, is like night and day. The former will always appreciate whatever you lay out in front of them, many people from the latter group will try and find fault with everything. Believe me when I tell you that it’s really hard to be judged constantly. 

Thankfully and knock on wood, the response by and large has been fantastic. There will always be some I won’t please, regardless of what I do but as long as I’m seeing happy faces leave the cafe, many of who are returning often, I am nothing short of thrilled. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now because although I’m working on eliminating fear from my mind, I am still afraid to jinx it!! 

Besides the cafe, the year also had me being involved in a story I had written that a friend of mine, Aditya, wanted to turn into a short film. Writing the screenplay together and then being a part of the shoot was an experience that has made me understand films from a completely different perspective. Hopefully the movie will be released for all of you to watch sometime in the early part of this year. 

Coming soon - Fingers crossed!

Although I travelled a fair amount, it took a little bit of a backseat due to these other activities. After three years I went back to my favourite place, Ladakh, and got close to the mountains that I so dearly love. A trip to Varkala during the devastating floods in Kerala, made me realise once again how vulnerable we are to losing our lives. 

Ah Ladakh! How I had missed you

And I have to thank this vulnerability, that I experienced all through 2016, for helping me turn my life around. To do the things I kept putting off, where I can proudly say that I’ve mostly overcome this disease called procrastination. Where into my middle ages I feel like I’m starting life once again, being thankful for every opportunity to learn, grow and enjoy from what life throws my way. My goal for this year is to forget the meaning of fear. 

Once upon a time, when I was a young boy, my dad had my palm read by an ‘expert’. While I have no recollection of what he predicted from those lines, the one thing that (strangely) stayed with me was that I would become famous in the food industry. I’ve always wondered why this piece of information made such an impact, even at that age, that I never forgot about it. And although I have no interest in fame, I think I would like to feed more people and have them appreciate and enjoy what comes out of a kitchen that I may run. 

None of us know what’s in store for us this year, this month, tomorrow or even the next moment. I’ve given up making plans for the future and have never believed in having a bucket list. The future is now and the bucket is going to get kicked in any case. Make the most of the present and have a rocking 2019!

The Girl with the Auburn Hair

Her hair looked like a brush hadn’t been through it in a while. But the auburn brown tresses fell perfectly against her soap washed face.  She looked like springtime, the dirty snow washed away with warmer temperatures, bringing with it snatches of grass and little yellow flowers. Yes it was spring sunshine that she reminded me of - the soft rays of the sun, gently falling on the ground, turning the browns to greens. 

If it was a movie, I would imagine her dancing in the fields, her skirt flowing with the breeze, a song on her lips with the sun shining not too brightly over her. She had a beautiful, wide mouth with full lips, that made her look like she was smiling even when she wasn’t. I’m not sure if it was just the way my mind worked or if she was really as beautiful as I had made her up to be. 

Sara sat in a corner of a large room full of people. Rarely did I see anyone around her in the two weeks that I had been working at the same office. Strangely, hers was the only name that I remembered when my manager had walked me through the room, introducing me to my new colleagues. So far there had been no reason for the two of us to have communicated. In fact I didn’t even know what she did but I hoped that I’d have an opportunity to collaborate with her sometime. 

One Wednesday I noticed a man, who I had never seen at the office, walk over to her cubicle. It obviously wasn’t her lunch date since it was 3 o clock in the afternoon. From the corner of my eye, I could see that they were not just having some casual conversation. A few minutes later, she took her purse and they both walked out of the room. 

Sara didn’t show up at work the rest of the week. I kept wondering who that man could have been. What was it that had obviously got her flustered and made her leave before the end of the work day? I wished I could ask someone but Sara and I had never exchanged a word, which meant that I really didn’t know her at all. I didn’t want to seem creepy and anyway it was none of my business.

Monday morning came by and her cubicle was still empty. Then at about 11 o clock, I walked by the reception area and saw the same man sitting there. He looked different for some reason. Smaller than what I remembered. I'm not sure what came over me but I went up to him.

“Is Sara doing okay?” I asked. “Haven’t seen her around.”

He seemed nervous as he looked up at me.

“I saw her leave with you last week, so just thought I’d ask.”

He stood up from the chair, almost as if he wanted to feel like we were on equal ground. 

“Yeah she’s doing fine,” he said, his words coming with short pauses. “She’ll be back in a couple of days.”

I had nothing else to say or ask. I knew nothing. I didn’t even know the person in subject. So I nodded and began walking away. 

He tried to get my attention, to find out who I was. But I pretended not to hear.

Just like he had said, Sara was back at work two days later. Her hair was tied up and she had glasses on. The reflection on her lenses prevented me from seeing the hazel in her eyes. We had both reached work earlier than usual and there was almost nobody around. I figured that it had to be now, so I walked over to her cubicle and said hi. 

She looked at me with a slight glimmer of recognition. I pointed towards my cubicle and said I was the new guy.

“We were introduced a couple of weeks ago” I said. 

“Yes I remember” she replied, but she quite obviously didn’t. 

“Hadn’t seen you around the past few days, so thought I’d ....”

Thought I’d what? 

“Anyway, you have yourself a nice day,” I said after an awkward pause, as I started to walk away. 

“Wait!” she said as she stood up. “It was you, wasn’t it? That asked my brother about me?”

Brother.

“He said that there was a man that was inquiring about me. He described you but I’m sorry ... I just made the connection.”

I told her that I was concerned. And I didn't know who to ask. 

“Yes, there was a crisis in the family,” she started to tell me hesitantly, but I stopped her there. I could see how awkward it was for her to open up to me, a stranger. 

“I need to get back to work,” I said. “Would you have lunch with me today?”

It was a gorgeous afternoon and as we were walking towards the corner sandwich place, I  noticed that the rays of the sun had turned her auburn brown hair into a shade of gold.