I'll Have Another Adventure (To Go) Please

Who would have thought that a time would come when almost everybody across the globe would pretty much be living the same life, masked in some kind of viral terror, wanting for human contact and appreciative but tired of having to depend upon technology to get through the day. Welcome to life in the times of covid-19.

In India, as we enter into the fourth month of this new way of life, I am wondering how I will get through the next who-knows-how-many-more-months before life returns to the way I have seemingly recklessly lived it. Yes recklessly hugging my family and friends, sharing food out of the same plate, crammed into a car, shaking hands with people I’ve never met before, travelling without a care - is life as we knew it only in the past now?

When the lockdown began, I really didn’t give it much thought. I was grateful that unlike 4 years ago when I was recovering from an accident that had me laid up in bed, I was able to move around and take care of myself. I began cooking new and fun dishes, the camera came out of its bag after a couple of years and within the limitations of my confine I took so many photographs, I wrote short pieces and sent them out to my contacts on the phone, I began my vocal lessons using YouTube - the days were flying by. Until the enthusiasm died and I didn’t care about what I ate, ran out of subjects to photograph, couldn’t think of anything to write and stopped singing. I desperately needed to go on a trip but while I had begun stepping out of my home and meeting a person or two here and there, spending an hour or so at the mostly empty cafe, I was aware that I wasn’t going anywhere further. 

Each time I start to feel low, I begin thinking about how my life has been so full of adventure. Sometimes I feel like I have lived so many different lives in just this one, with the best memories of growing up in Calcutta, building my career amongst the most wonderful people I came across in Chicago, my return to the motherland in a whole new city, Bangalore, the love affair with New York City, living up on a high rise in Hong Kong followed by a higher rise in the mountainous state of Himachal. 

With the close shaves I’ve had with death, I’ve never believed in having a ‘bucket list’ - if there was a place I wanted to visit, there was no waiting to do it. I’ve never planned too far ahead - a few months at the most and in the past 3 years - it probably has been no more than 2 months. Having chosen to retire at a younger age and being single, I had the freedom to do things without having to wait, uncaring about how many vacation days I had left and because I rarely travelled lavishly, without having to worry about whether I could afford it.

Every travel adventure I have had has the people I met associated with it. Like there was this time in Granada, Spain when I was walking around with a map, no data on my phone, completely lost. A young girl travelling from the US, equally lost, also not speaking a word of Spanish, ended up spending the afternoon with me, having lunch at a charming Turkish restaurant and finding our way back to our respective Airbnb’s. Or the artist that was selling his paintings at San Marco Square in Venice, who, after exchanging many laughs together, took me to his favourite pizzeria for dinner. Or the quirky camel rider in Jaisalmer, who invited me to his home in the middle of the desert to meet his family and who I am still in touch with on a regular basis. 

How can I not be thankful for the adventure of starting a cafe from scratch, the freedom to run it the way I want, without the financial worry? For being a part of the short film that I had a hand in. Sometimes I feel like I’m the luckiest person with life having given all kinds of opportunities to do the things that I used to always fantasise about.

These stories and so many, many more have given me the most heartwarming memories that can actually help me get through the rest of my days. There is absolutely nothing I would change about my past, including the accidents, a life threatening illness, being almost pushed out of a running train and being a hostage in a bank robbery, as every one of those experiences has changed my life in positive ways. 

Thanks to my semi-vagabond lifestyle that has had me believe that my home is where I am at the present time, I feel all the more restless and imprisoned. Making it even more important to keep the memories of all these adventures alive and hoping that things will get back to the way they were. Where I can once again eat a meal with a stranger sitting just two feet away, where I can breathe without a mask on, where I can leave the house without worrying about getting sick. 

I hope that each and every one of you, who is most likely leading a life very similar to mine, is able to stay happy, to drive away any anxiety that you may be experiencing from time to time, to appreciate all that you have now, the life you’ve lived so far and to believe that you and the rest of us will come out of this stronger and a better version of ourselves. 

Who knows what life has in store but I am certainly ready for a new adventure. An adventure that is a lot less restricting than this current one.

The Dying Art of Eating without Guilt

Quite honestly, I’m super tired of conversations revolving around what people are not eating. 

“17 days of no sugar” (as I’m on my second chocolate tart)

“I’ve given up gluten” (where's my toasted sour dough bread with loads of butter?)

“It’s my 1 year anniversary of turning vegan” (are we celebrating that now?)

“No carbs for me please” (no rice? what do I eat my curry with then?)

Imagine going for a meal with one of these people (I hope my vegetarian-turned-vegan-off-gluten friends aren’t reading this). I’ve learned the hard way to not get annoyed though, by pretending that I’m at the table by myself. In fact I’ve now made it a fun activity by ordering all the ‘wrong’ things when I’m with the people eating ‘right’. 

I have to say that, having grown up with parents with healthy habits (more dad than mom), such as eating early, consuming balanced, mostly vegetarian meals, lectures at the table when we kids would refuse to eat something that didn’t taste good but was good for us … you get the gist, I’ve been brainwashed into eating right most of the time. 

‘Most of the time’ is the key phrase here. There was the usual cheating with deep fried foods, desserts (Bengali sweets are healthy is what we believed) etc. Eating out was never healthy - you ate what you desired without a second thought. Ice-cream sundaes and Flury’s cakes were not frowned upon. Binge eating happened at the big festivals and birthdays. My parents lived fairly healthy and long lives until almost the end. 

The other day this girl, who’s a regular at the cafe and who is always careful about what she eats, said to me.

“I’ve been fantasising about your carrot pineapple cake for weeks now,” she said.

“So what’s stopping you from eating it?” I asked.

It was the calories, the sugar, the cream cheese frosting that looked so decadent.

I thought about it for a second, wanting to somehow convince her to eat it. 

“Well,” I started off saying. “I’m not going to push you to order it but if you do decide to, it’s very important that you eat it with a 100% pleasure and 0% guilt. Otherwise it just won’t taste good.”

She laughed and asked if I would sit with her while she ate it. It may sound like a strange request but I totally got it. Pretending however, to not have got it, I looked at her questioningly. 

“If you sit with me, it’ll be a constant reminder of what you just said about eating without guilt,” she said to me. 

“How about I join you with a slice of my own?” I asked, suddenly wanting cake.

Her eyes lit up. “That would be awesome!”

A second later she added, “I’m paying for your slice too.”

I laughed and asked her why she would do that.

“You’re eating that cake to help me enjoy my slice more. It’s only fair that it should be my treat. I absolutely insist.”

So we ordered an extremely generous slice of cake each and savoured each bite together.

“I’ll never forget this cake,” she said as she licked her spoon. “It’s been a while since I ate dessert without guilt.”

“Tastes a lot better, doesn’t it?” It was a rhetorical question of course. The pleasure on her face was telling me all. 

While writing this, I got really hungry and decided to treat myself to a bacon and cheese frittata. 

Yeah I know it’ll kill me. Just like living will. 

2018 - The Year that Was

Each time we enter into a new calendar year, we tend to reflect upon the one that just went by. Or at least I do. And my verdict for 2018 is that personally, it was a pretty good year for me. I ended the past year with my friends in Kolkata, with laughter, food and travel and began this year with a minor surgery, left over from the accident I had a couple of years ago and something I had been putting off for a while. 

Bringing in the new year with friends

This information was shared with you, not to get sympathy or attention (honestly!) but to talk a little about how working on my mind the past 2 years has helped me to treat the entire hospital episode as just another day (or two) in my life. Of course, the fact that it was a minor surgical procedure helped but it’s never fun to be in an institution where everyone is broken or ill. Or being under the knife. Thankfully I stayed calm through the two days earlier this week, slept like a baby (without aid) and enjoyed the surprisingly good hospital food!

Now going back to last year - it really was a landmark year of sorts for me as I officially got into the ‘feeding’ industry. When I met Ranjeet almost exactly a year ago at the Kolkata airport, I honestly did not think that I would be running a brand new cafe, with so much of ‘me’ in it. While I’ve always enjoyed cooking, feeding and taking culinary lessons, it was always treated as a hobby. In 2018 it became more than that.

Close to my heart - Terra Bites

Cooking for family and friends, and cooking for strangers who are paying for their meals, is like night and day. The former will always appreciate whatever you lay out in front of them, many people from the latter group will try and find fault with everything. Believe me when I tell you that it’s really hard to be judged constantly. 

Thankfully and knock on wood, the response by and large has been fantastic. There will always be some I won’t please, regardless of what I do but as long as I’m seeing happy faces leave the cafe, many of who are returning often, I am nothing short of thrilled. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now because although I’m working on eliminating fear from my mind, I am still afraid to jinx it!! 

Besides the cafe, the year also had me being involved in a story I had written that a friend of mine, Aditya, wanted to turn into a short film. Writing the screenplay together and then being a part of the shoot was an experience that has made me understand films from a completely different perspective. Hopefully the movie will be released for all of you to watch sometime in the early part of this year. 

Coming soon - Fingers crossed!

Although I travelled a fair amount, it took a little bit of a backseat due to these other activities. After three years I went back to my favourite place, Ladakh, and got close to the mountains that I so dearly love. A trip to Varkala during the devastating floods in Kerala, made me realise once again how vulnerable we are to losing our lives. 

Ah Ladakh! How I had missed you

And I have to thank this vulnerability, that I experienced all through 2016, for helping me turn my life around. To do the things I kept putting off, where I can proudly say that I’ve mostly overcome this disease called procrastination. Where into my middle ages I feel like I’m starting life once again, being thankful for every opportunity to learn, grow and enjoy from what life throws my way. My goal for this year is to forget the meaning of fear. 

Once upon a time, when I was a young boy, my dad had my palm read by an ‘expert’. While I have no recollection of what he predicted from those lines, the one thing that (strangely) stayed with me was that I would become famous in the food industry. I’ve always wondered why this piece of information made such an impact, even at that age, that I never forgot about it. And although I have no interest in fame, I think I would like to feed more people and have them appreciate and enjoy what comes out of a kitchen that I may run. 

None of us know what’s in store for us this year, this month, tomorrow or even the next moment. I’ve given up making plans for the future and have never believed in having a bucket list. The future is now and the bucket is going to get kicked in any case. Make the most of the present and have a rocking 2019!

Conversations - Remembering and Forgetting

Hey, what's going on?

Don't ask dude ....

Too late. Already asked

I'm cleaning out my closet

(laughs)

That doesn't sound like you at all

I found these jeans I had completely forgotten about

(pauses)

And guess what?

They still fit you perfectly

Hehe they do

That’s hardly a surprise. I don’t think you’ve gained even an ounce since college

(pauses)

Sooooo ….

Do you want to catch a movie this afternoon?

I can’t

Why not?

I promised myself I wasn’t going to step out of the house until I was done cleaning

Come on …

No seriously. I’ve just been putting this off for too long. I have no space left in my closet

How long does it take to clean out a closet?

Oh man. You have no idea. You should come see the mess

Should I?

No!!!!! Absolutely not!!!!!!

(laughs)

Why? What are you hiding in those closets?

Too many skeletons 

(pauses)

And it’s time for them to go!

Do I know any of these skeletons?

I’m not saying ….

Seriously … when will you be done?

Maybe we can catch up in the evening

No dude. Today is pretty much out of the question.

Cleaning sucks. Especially when you have no idea what needs to stay and what needs to go

I could help you decide

Nope

That was rude! You could at least pretend that I could be of help

Haven’t you known me long enough to know that I don’t pretend?

You've known me long enough to give me a peek into your closet

Okay I know this pink top is definitely going. No brainer

I didn’t think pink was your colour

It was a gift. And now it’s spent enough time taking space

(pauses)

You know what the problem with me is?

That’s a long list. Where would you like me to start?

Asshole!

Okay so what is the problem with you?

The problem is that most of what I have has a memory attached to them. Half the stuff I don’t even wear anymore

And so you can’t get rid of most of the stuff?

I guess I can. It just makes me nervous to lose those memory associations

So what are you saying?

I’m not sure

(pauses)

I’m a little afraid to forget possibly ...

But maybe it’s time to move on

Maybe it is. But how do I know for sure?

You don’t know for sure. Nobody knows for sure. But we make a decision to discard and move on.

Also, you didn’t tell me what the problem with you is?

Maybe I’m not ready to discard and move on. Maybe I want to keep holding on to those memories

For the rest of your life?

That's a little extreme, don't you think? 

(pauses)

How about until the next time I decide to clean out my closet

I have a feeling we'll be having the same conversation then too

You don't know that

How about you categorise the memories and get rid of some associations today?

How about you let me figure out what I need to do?

You’re being weird now

I am, right? I guess I’m getting rid of the jeans

The ones you can still fit into?

Yup. Those jeans

But why? If you can still wear them ….

That’s not the important part. The important thing is to move on

I want to check out your closets once you’re done

You’ll be surprised. They’ll be a lot emptier than you would expect

Conversations - One Isn't a Lonely Number

Hey, I’ve been trying to reach you for a while

Really? The phone’s right next to me

Are you home?

No. I was supposed to meet this friend at a cafe close to home. But he had to cancel at the last moment

So where are you then?

At the cafe

Alone?

No. There are actually quite a few people here

You know that’s not what I’m asking

Yes I’m here by myself

Smartass

(pauses)

So why are you still there if this ‘friend’ didn’t show up?

Why shouldn’t I be?

Isn’t it weird?

Isn’t what weird?

(sighs)

To be alone … I mean ‘by yourself’ at a cafe. Don’t you feel like a loser?

And why are you being so difficult?

I’m not being difficult. I’m just trying to understand what the issue is.

Is it because I’m a woman?

Well … I wouldn’t go to a cafe by myself. It’s usually a place to hang out with someone over a coffee or something

Actually, I’m looking around me and there are 4 other single person tables

Four more weirdos

Have you considered that maybe you’re the weird one?

If I went to a cafe by myself, I’d be uncomfortably staring at my phone the entire time.

Is that what you’re doing?

Kinda hard to stare at my phone and speak to you at the same time.

But then you’re probably the guy who can’t watch a movie in the theatre by himself.

Absolutely not! Can you?

I do it all the time

You watch movies alone?

By myself, yes. I prefer it that way

How come I didn’t know this about you until now?

Maybe because you love to talk about yourself all the time?

That wasn’t very nice. Maybe true. But not nice

(laughs)

Shall I come over?

Why? To rescue me?

You sound like you could use some company

Actually I’m having a really good time, hanging out by myself. 

You should try it sometime

No way! So what were you doing before I called?

Waiting for you to call!

Really?

No idiot. Not really!

I was drinking my chai, having a slice of cake and thinking about stuff

What kind of stuff?

Stuff that I’d rather not share with you

Why not? Who would you rather share them with

They’re private thoughts. I’d rather not share them with anyone actually

What kind of private thoughts?

Private thoughts that I don’t want to share. Remember?

So how long are you going to be there?

Until I’m done thinking

Tell me where you are. I want to come think with you

Only on one condition

What?

We’ll do our thinking at separate tables

Death of a Stranger

I’m sure that some of you will not want to read this piece or after going through it, wish that I hadn’t written it. I debated about it in my mind but then I can’t pretend that life is fluffy and fun constantly, as much as I would like it to be for all of us. Sometimes it’s also dark and depressing and many of us have been in that place for some reason or the other. 

On June 8th, just a couple of days ago, Anthony Bourdain was found dead in his hotel room. More shocking than his passing was the news that he had killed himself. 

‘That can’t be right. Why would Anthony Bourdain, the man with such a fantastic life, envied by so many, commit suicide?’ was the first thought that came to my mind. 

As I’m very certain it came to most people’s minds that were in some way affected by his death. Especially since people who were close to him, including his mother, could never have imagined that this is how his life would end. The rest of us were just fans of his shows on television or his books. And it was his life that was the envy of every food enthusiast.

This morning I received a text message from a friend who had gifted me one of his books recently. Here’s what the message said verbatim:

2 days later - I am still wishing it’s not true. And I have not watched an entire episode of any of his shows. Just excerpts. He makes me doubt a lot of my unending bucket list. It hurts me at a level I did not expect a stranger could. 

I wrote back to her saying that I felt pretty much the same way (besides the bucket list part, since I don’t believe in having one). It’s not possible that Mr. Bourdain, the man with the seemingly perfect life, would take this step. Except that he did. 

So what about the rest of us, with such ordinary lives in comparison? Are we better off? I’m not so sure.

I’ve come across suicide a few times in the past year. Not people I directly knew but people who were close to people that I’m close to. Just one degree of separation, which isn’t very much at all. Recently a friend of mine confessed to me that he had attempted to take his life twice in the past few years. “Couldn’t even do that right,” he said with a smile. This is a man who I constantly share laughs with when we meet - we don’t see each other too often but when we do, it’s always a riot. I never had any idea of what was going on in that head of his and that his mind had been in such a dark place. 

Not to say that my mind hadn’t been in that dark place either, when I had convinced myself after my accident that I would never walk again. 

Why Anthony Bourdain took his own life, may always remain a mystery. I suspect that the media will continue to look for clues, to speak to people he was close to and write about possible reasons for him to have taken such a step. Eventually it will all be speculation because the only person who can tell us what was really going on in his mind when he used the belt of the hotel bathrobe to hang himself, isn’t around any longer. 

Another friend of mine posted something on this subject on social media that is food for thought. 

She talked about how agonizing Anthony Bourdain’s life must have been in the instant that he decided to end it. 

Would you and I ever think of his life being agonizing? The man who traveled the world just to eat at the most interesting places?

She questioned if someone who had lived with such boldness and autonomy deserved the right to say when their time in this life was over.

Our lives are not what they used to be in innumerable ways. With the stresses that we put upon ourselves, are we getting to a point where suicide will not be frowned upon? 

She ended her post saying that withering long past your ability to enjoy life, growing fragile, lonely, fearful, dependent and merely hanging on in purgatorial misery holds no mobility. 

Anthony Bourdain lived his life as he pleased and left on his own terms. Who are we to judge?

If we really want to, we can maybe justify Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade and Robin Williams (all celebrities with supposedly enviable lives) killing themselves. However, I would like to believe that there is no darkness so strong, that it can withstand light passing through forever. I would like to believe that tears will always stop to make room for smiles. That there are always more reasons to live than there are to die. 

I would also like to believe that my next piece will be inspired by a happy event.