The Hydrangea and a Bottle of Single Malt

After covid-19 changed our lives and there was no entertaining happening in our homes, my coffee table slowly got converted into what my friend, Priya, refers to as a 'botanical table'. From having no plants on it to pretty much being covered by them, I felt it added a lot of character to my living room and every time some masked person did come over, they always described it with a complimentary adjective.

The botanical coffee table

Recently for my birthday, the same friend Priya sent me a beautiful hydrangea arrangement that I’m sure cost her a pretty penny. When I was returning from lunch that included several beers, with my friend Anand, it was waiting for me at the building security desk. Anand, the ever practical man immediately made a comment about how money spent on flowers was such a waste and they should just give you the cash instead.  I chose not to say anything in response and just smiled as I picked up my beautiful gift. 

A couple of days prior to this day, I had rearranged my coffee table a little. There was a large glass bowl that I owned when I lived in Chicago, that I ended up bringing back with me to Bangalore. The only time this bowl was used was when I had an annual party where I invited most people that I knew. The last time I had one of these parties, the guest list went up to more than fifty and this really beautiful bowl was used to serve punch. 

Since then, the bowl had been sitting on top of one of my kitchen cabinets, collecting dust. Recently I got on a ‘home lightening’ spree, where I was going through every storage space in my apartment from the largest to the smallest and discarding things that I was no longer using. While there was no noticeable difference in how the apartment looked, each time I emptied something out, I felt a little lighter on the inside. 

The bowl was brought down from above the cabinet and I carefully washed it, having forgotten how incredibly beautiful it was. I felt that having been ignored for such a long time, it now deserved a prominent place in my home and what better spot than the botanical coffee table. A few days later when Priya’s hydrangea arrived, I placed it inside the punch bowl. It was almost as if I had been preparing a spot for these flowers. For the next 2 weeks this arrangement brought me a little extra happiness. The flowers would eventually die and the money spent on it would be considered by some as a waste but would I have wanted some ‘thing’ instead that would take up space, be forgotten and eventually discarded? 

The bowl and the hydangea

I’ve never believed in being overly practical ever in my life. Which is why frequent travel has always been so important to me (I was up to 8 trips in a year when we got hit by the pandemic). The money I spend on travel obviously doesn’t give me any kind of physical return. A practical person would instead take one holiday in a year and invest the rest of the money in something that would keep growing the amount with time. If I did that, I would sit at home and die a slow death counting how much I had made each month disinterestedly (I know I’m being a little dramatic but you get the gist).

Forget that - I’m packing my bags to have some new experiences, to create some new memories, meet new people, see new places, soak in the beauty of nature etc etc, while my bank balance becomes a little bit smaller and my life becomes a little bit richer! Damn you covid-19 for slowing down my plans!

Each one of us has to live our lives the way we think is right for us. I understand that a lot of our obsession for money and the need to invest all of it in property, gold, stocks comes from different reasons such as insecurities of a difficult past, keeping up with your peers etc. It’s a shame though if we don’t use a portion of it and spend it on intangible ‘things’ that keep adding to our memory bank of joys. For all you overly practical folks, be impulsive more often. You might discover that spending money on experiences brings happiness in all kinds of ways. 

The hydrangea is long gone but I still have the vase. Anand, who made the comment about the flowers, got me an expensive bottle of single malt as a birthday gift which will also be gone soon. So I guess I was wrong about Anand being extra practical. I got lucky with both gifts. One was a feast to the eyes and the other is a feast to my senses. Let’s just say ‘cheers’ to that.

P.S. Did anyone notice that I got a new rug between the time the two photos were taken? 

Every Story has a Moral

Last evening I was chatting with someone in Toronto, who I've been following on Instagram for a while. It was the first time we had connected directly other than commenting on each others posts and keeping it mostly impersonal. 

Chatting with her brought back some interesting memories of the many times that I've visited Toronto, sometimes as a tourist and most other times as a consultant for work. One of those personal memories is what I'm going to share in todays post. 

Growing up in Calcutta, my dad had a fairly close friend who I always found to be intimidating. He had this booming voice, an aristocratic air and for some reason always seemed like he was inebriated. Later I found out that he had a serious alcohol problem. 

My parents and I had been living in Chicago for a few years when my sister came to visit and we decided to spend a few days in Niagara Falls and places around there. My dad had got to know that a brother of this friend I spoke about earlier, had moved to Toronto, so he called the gentleman with the intention of meeting for a meal or something. 

Now this friends brother was several years younger and I vaguely remembered him and his wife from parties that our parents would drag us to. Parties where there was a considerable amount of liquor flowing and not someplace people take their kids to, but it was a whole different time. All the kids were bustled into one room and we had to pretend to get along with each other. 

So basically my memory of this uncle and his wife were hazy at best. Except that they seemed very posh.

When my dad called and informed this gentleman about our trip, he (I thought) was unexpectedly excited and insisted that we stay with them for a couple of days at least. And since we were in no great rush to head back and he sounded so nice on the phone, my dad took him up on the offer.

My sister and I weren't exactly thrilled with the developments, since we expected them to be snobbish. But like good Indian (grownup) kids we went along with the plan.

After spending a couple of nights in Niagara Falls and doing everything that Asian tourists are supposed to do, we headed to Toronto City.

The best thing for me about staying with these friends of the family was that they lived in the heart of the city and not some boring suburb. In the city one can just walk to places, there are people around you, restaurants that aren't chains to eat at and generally a much more fun time. Although they lived in a little two-bedroom apartment, we as Indians are used to cramming ourselves into smaller spaces, sleeping on mattresses laid out on the floor and being in line to use the bathroom. Maybe not so much anymore but a lot of great memories have been created in these small spaces. Even when I lived in a one-bedroom, one bath apartment in Manhattan, there was a night when I had 10 guests staying over. Thankfully just for that one laughter-filled night!

Back in Toronto, the 'uncle' was now a limo driver and the 'aunt' worked at a Greek bakery. The same people that lived in a large home with adequate help were now 'the help'. The change in lifestyle had also changed their demeanour considerably. They were such warm and wonderful hosts and we were having such a great time together, that we ended up spending an extra night with them. I remember one time when we packed ourselves into the limo and drove out for a picnic. Picnics were a big thing when I was growing up and this certainly felt nostalgic of our time in Calcutta. Except that the picnic basket had all Greek treats but nobody was complaining!

It's funny (not the haha kind of funny) how our circumstances, our environment and our affluence or lack of, has an effect on our behaviour. They probably were always really nice people and it was my vision of them that was distorted. Or they had to put up this front of being a part of the upper echelon of society. Or they were actually the way they were and their lives getting upturned made them who they had become. It's something I'll never know for sure. 

I'm guessing that my dad and the uncle stayed in touch for a while but we never met again. Sometimes a short connection and leaving on a happy note is all that's needed for a lifetime of good memories. 

Is this piece just another snippet of my life or does the story come with a moral? To me there is more than one moral, which I don't need to get into. Each of you is clever enough to figure these out for yourselves. I would however, love to hear from you in the comments section as to what you got out of it. Don't be shy to share. 

Silly Things That Make Me Happy

Since over a decade my birthday has become an event of sorts. It all started with a dear childhood friend who flew down to spend a few days and celebrate my birthday with me. My sisters and family would also be around. And on the actual day a few local friends would drop by and we’d end up being a group of highly inebriated people, eating, drinking, senseless talking, dancing, singing etc. 

One of the years we did multiple shots along with our regular drinks, which of course had us so high that after a point everything was hazy. Including the pictures that were taken. We named it the 'epic year' and since then we’ve been slightly more mature but not considerably. 

As time went by the group of people that would come down and spend near a week with me for my birthday grew, with friends and family flying in from across the country and in 2019, my niece from the US also joined us. It had now became an international affair. What used to be an unplanned week became much more, with my Man Friday and I making the menu and sourcing the ingredients for every meal ahead of time, meals being sponsored from restaurants we love, additional household help being hired, a WhatsApp group that would plan flights so multiple people would land in Bangalore around the same time, logistics, sleeping arrangements at my sisters place, since my 3 bedrooms were no longer enough etc. We joked about hiring a ‘Birthday Planner’ maybe the next year.

This however, is not the silly thing that makes me happy. This is a huge thing that makes me extremely joyous. It’s probably my favourite week of the year and I feel truly blessed for having all these people in my life. 

Sadly the next year was the year of the pandemic that continues to screw up our lives and our minds. Thanks to which the birthday event could not happen last year. Instead everyone was masked up or cooped up in their homes. A multi hour virtual call where a cake was cut and drinks were drunk was the best we could do. And while it wasn’t close to the experience of all of us being together, thank goodness for technology. My sister and nephew drove down from Chennai, my sister and family in Bangalore organised a little party and we made the best of what we had. 

On the morning of my birthday last year, I was sitting in my living room, answering the many calls and texts that I was getting when all of a sudden two sunbirds came into my balcony. 

I should probably talk about my balcony a little bit here. Unlike most balconies that have plants and flowers, my balcony has trees. I have two large frangipani trees and a lime tree with a mango tree thats grown to about 3 feet or so now. There are also smaller to mid-size plants all over, which makes the entire space very lush green. 

Unfortunately until that day, as far as I was aware, the only birds (pests) that would visit my balcony were pigeons, who we were always trying to get rid of. Occasionally there would be butterflies but never any other birds. And then on the morning of my birthday, these two sunbirds hopped from branch to branch, having conversations with each other (and I like to think) attempting to communicate with me. As sneakily as I could, I got up from the couch and brought my camera from the other room, worrying the entire time that I would scare them off. 

And while I couldn’t get the greatest shots since I had to observe them from a distance and with them constantly moving, they stayed on and kept playing. The mini forest in my balcony has been around for a few years now but I’d never had these visitors earlier. Were they trying to fill in for the folks that didn’t have the freedom to fly in that these beautiful creatures had? Were they the carrier of wishes from the group that couldn’t make it to our annual event? I like to romanticise things so thats what I believed and its what I continue to believe. 

It may sound silly but for me it was a big deal. Silly things make me happy and thats what matters eventually. There are always degrees of joy that we feel. While it may not have made me as happy as travel does, it certainly made me happier than material acquisitions. 

I don’t need the big home, the swanky automobile or an expensive phone. Just give me more of the silly joys that I can treasure, store in my memory and smile about forever! Meanwhile, I have my fingers crossed that we can at least have a portion of the group back in my home this year, bringing back a sense of normalcy and loads of laughter. 

Unsent Letters

 A couple of years ago I decided that I would publish a book of short stories and began writing them as and when I came up with an idea. Well, I haven't made too much progress and with all the uncertainty we've been going thru this past year, who knows what's in store tomorrow. And so I figured that I would begin sharing the stories on my blog instead. Here's the first one. I hope you enjoy it. 

Dear Vinay

I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a letter using a pen and paper. There’s a perfectly good reason why I am handwriting this. Or at least it sort of makes sense to me. I don’t want to go back and change something or make corrections to what I’ve written, like I could on my laptop or phone. The first words that come to me are the words that I want you to read. Yes, I could trash the page and start again but this is beautiful hand-made paper that I’ve bought and it deserves more respect than being in the trash.

It’s been exactly one month and three days since the two of us decided to take a sabbatical from our respective jobs so we could think about our situation without being distracted by work emails and conference calls and deadlines and our self importance in organizations that would replace us in no time if we quit. 

It’s been almost a month since we’ve taken a sabbatical from each other. Every morning when I wake up, I think of you being somewhere in the hills and I can’t help feeling a teeny bit jealous. Not because I wish I was also in the hills - you know I’m too much of a city girl - but because I feel that the surrounding beauty may make you forget me. As for me, I’m back in our apartment where everything reminds me of you. Doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? Of course, I could be elsewhere, just like you but after a couple of weeks of scampering around, I needed to be back in my comfort zone.

Six years of being together isn’t very long. Our parents have been together a lifetime without seeming unhappy or restless. Does ‘restless’ best describe how we’ve been feeling about being with each other in a committed relationship? Should we have become a habit by now and be satisfied with going through the motions of everyday life? Is it unrealistic to expect us to continue to be madly in love after all these years? I’m aware that the answer to the last question is that of course it is unrealistic and we should have transitioned seamlessly into the next phase of our relationship. 

I just wish we knew what that phase is supposed to be. 

Together we made a decision to not have kids, since we seem to be missing the parental instinct that most couples apparently have. It hasn’t been easy with all the questions and the probing, but we were prepared for all of that. ‘Our lives our choice’, right? We’ve always been very sure about the two of us being enough for each other. So then what happened all of a sudden? Why this strange restlessness?

I was talking to Aarti about us yesterday. You know I tell Aarti everything, so yeah I told her about our current situation also. Don’t worry though - everyone else thinks that you’re off to write a book and I’m just taking some time off from work. Aarti on the other hand gets regular updates about what I’m feeling. She said to me that she has never been more sure about any couple as she is about us. And that you and I were meant to spend our lives together. While I usually don’t take such comments seriously, it made me wonder a little about the day that we first met. 

It was on the day of Aarti’s 25th birthday. After being the one who had planned the party, I found out the day before that I had to travel to Mumbai the very same night as her birthday for an early meeting the next morning. Makes me smile now but I was so mad!! So I booked myself on the absolute last flight and found myself sitting next to this charming young man who I ended up marrying. Just like in the movies!

The meeting got scheduled at the last minute. Never one to take a red-eye, I made an exception on that day. I reached the airport at the last minute, didn’t do a web check-in and ended up getting seated next to the cutest guy on the flight. Who I may remind you, had missed his original flight thanks to traffic! Coincidence or meant to be?

Last week I was watching a show on Netflix in which a couple with two young children, were discussing their marriage and how the spark had gone out of it. The woman asked her husband how invested he was in their marriage, which really made me laugh. How does one even answer that question? It’s not a retirement fund that you can decide on a percentage of your investment. The husband, in typical film jargon (or is this how people are talking now?) said that he was processing what she had asked and would let her know the answer when it came to him. I honestly could not stop rolling my eyes.

Vinay, I don’t know when you’re coming back home and if this will still be home for you when you return. I’m trying really hard not to overthink but this mind doesn’t take a break. I try to think of each day of those 6 years that we’ve spent together and the ones that come to my mind are some exceptionally good days and some not so great ones. The ‘not so great’ ones seem silly and immature and I honestly only have a fuzzy recollection of them. The good ones on the other hand, I remember clear as day. 

There have been times, I admit, when I wished that I was still carefree and single. And knowing you as well as I do, I’m sure that you have the same thoughts. We’ve always known that we aren’t like conventional couples and we like being who we are. They say that opposites attract but it’s our sameness, our way of thinking, what we both expect from life (to continue to evolve and be happy) that makes us such perfect partners. I honestly don’t think that the restlessness is in our marriage. It’s in everything else around us. 

Without a doubt, it’s time for some changes. Those changes though are not in how we are with each other. We’ve got into a rut that we have to get out of. How did our careers and earning money get in the way of what we really want in life? We both want more, even if it means that we have less. I have no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way. 

Our time apart has made one thing completely clear to me. I definitely don’t want to wake up next to anyone besides you. I miss having you around. I miss your presence. I miss our conversations about everything and nothing. I miss our silences together. I miss going to the movies with you. I miss not agreeing on which movie to watch. I bought a chocolate covered ice-cream bar and missed sharing it with you. I could go on and on. I just miss you and I want you back. Our marriage isn’t broken or breaking. We just have to figure out what the next phase is. 

I will accept whatever decision you come back with. Or I will fight for you to be mine forever, though I hope that it won’t be necessary. Please come back home.

With all my love

M

*** 

With a smile on her face, Maya watched Vinay sleeping without a care in the world. She folded up the letter and put it back into its unaddressed hand-made paper envelope. 

I Need To Make a New Friend

I’ve been watching a show on Amazon Prime called ‘3 Caminos’ about 5 strangers who become friends while walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. What used to be a pilgrimage of 800 kms in ancient times to the tomb of St. James, today attracts people from across the world to walk either in its entirety or to cover a portion of it. 

A few years ago when I was planning my trip to Spain, this was something I really wanted to do for a week, which would of course only be about 1/5th of the actual walk. As exciting as it seemed, I didn’t end up doing it because I was nervous about being in a new country and walking the distance by myself.

The past year has been difficult for most of us in so many ways. While I really have nothing to complain about having work that I love, family and friends around me and all the comforts that I could want, I go through days feeling incredibly restless for adventure, for seeing places and for meeting new people. 

I put the show on pause so I could write the following lines and share them with you in poetry form. A form that I’ve rarely written in. 

An overwhelming feeling went thru my heart

For something new, for an interesting start

To create a story and make a new friend

The beginning of something and memories to tend

An adventure for me to come across and explore

In a place I’ve never gone, never been to before

I want to make a new friend

Who laughs easily or even drops a tear

Unafraid to follow his heart

Goes thru life without a fear

I want to make a new friend

In a bar that I happen to find

Exchanging stories over a beer

Filled with wealth of a different kind

In a place that I don’t live in

In a place I only have in my mind

I want to make a new friend

Sing songs at a karaoke

Or silently listen to the sounds of the sea

I want to make a new friend

With someone who is most unlike me

Leading a life that I’ve never known

In a place that I don’t live in

In a place I’d like to be shown

This isn’t the life I choose to know

The smile behind the mask

We’re afraid to show

You may be happy within your home

With people you love

And people you’ve known

But I need to make a new friend

A friend I’ve never met before

In a place that I don’t live in

In a place that I so wish to go

Accepting 2020

Dec 31st, 2020

It’s finally December 31st, 2020. A year that has created a lot of havoc in our lives. The kind of havoc that has consumed us every single day and quite obviously something that I don’t need to get into. A year that all of humanity has wanted to end so desperately, as if it was the year that has caused this turmoil and not us humans. 

Several months ago when the virus made an appearance and we were under ‘lockdown’ (definitely a word that has never been used as much in all my living years collectively as it has in 2020), social media began getting filled with very creative videos and posts where people in the future talked about how, after the pandemic, humans became a kinder, more loving and caring breed, how they realised what their real priorities in life were etc. None of that has happened of course - we are still greedy for money, power/fame hungry and as racist and sexist as ever. Sorry to disappoint you, future humans!

As most of you are aware, travel is what I live for and 2020 has obviously been the year of least travel. I did manage to sneak in a couple of small trips to places that were within driving distance, even made it to the beach for a few hours. However, I don’t consider any of it real travel and accepted that I wasn’t going anywhere for a while. Acceptance is important as it calms you down considerably. I stopped fantasising about my future trips, as while we need something to look forward to, it also makes us frustrated, anxious and impatient about them not turning into reality as the days go by. 

If I could pick one learning from this year, it would have to be ‘acceptance’. This pandemic has proved to us that we can make all the plans we want but there is only so much that is within our control. 2020 showed us that a much larger plan was in the works that eventually affected all of us, leaving us with no option but to accept. It was up to us to whine and bitch and complain all through the acceptance. Or make peace and go along with it. 

Yesterday I was speaking to a dear friend who is a lot more social than I am (yes it’s possible) and wants his old life back of hanging out with his hundreds of close friends! On the other hand, I feel like I’ve got into this groove where I meet my friends and family a lot less than I used to, but still enough to feel energised and satisfied. And while I’m not a lover of routine, I feel fortunate to be someone with enough interests that make each day different from the previous one, even if it is in a small way. A lot of this has happened because I accepted the situation and focussed on today without thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. We’ve heard about the present being our present enough times. It’s only lately that I’ve truly begun experiencing it and realising that living in the present can actually be pretty damn cool, even within the confines of our current limitations. 

Yes this year has been extremely harsh with death, disease, job losses and many more struggles. So for those of us that have made it this far, we really do have much to be thankful for and to keep ourselves going. If we think about it, each one of us can come up with a list of blessings that were favoured upon us. As the calendar year changes, let the previous year be a reminder of the many lessons that we’ve learned and how they will help us become stronger and hopefully better people in the future. Let us not forget, even for a moment, how fortunate each one of us is in so many ways.

So as I sign out, wishing every one of you health and peace in all the coming years, I’ll end with a little quote that I made up about how it’s eventually up to us to make our lives better.

Let the Past make you smile 

Let the Future keep you excited 

And most importantly

Let the Present make you shine

Each one of us can do our bit to make the world, our world a better place. Happy 2021 and much love!

I'll Have Another Adventure (To Go) Please

Who would have thought that a time would come when almost everybody across the globe would pretty much be living the same life, masked in some kind of viral terror, wanting for human contact and appreciative but tired of having to depend upon technology to get through the day. Welcome to life in the times of covid-19.

In India, as we enter into the fourth month of this new way of life, I am wondering how I will get through the next who-knows-how-many-more-months before life returns to the way I have seemingly recklessly lived it. Yes recklessly hugging my family and friends, sharing food out of the same plate, crammed into a car, shaking hands with people I’ve never met before, travelling without a care - is life as we knew it only in the past now?

When the lockdown began, I really didn’t give it much thought. I was grateful that unlike 4 years ago when I was recovering from an accident that had me laid up in bed, I was able to move around and take care of myself. I began cooking new and fun dishes, the camera came out of its bag after a couple of years and within the limitations of my confine I took so many photographs, I wrote short pieces and sent them out to my contacts on the phone, I began my vocal lessons using YouTube - the days were flying by. Until the enthusiasm died and I didn’t care about what I ate, ran out of subjects to photograph, couldn’t think of anything to write and stopped singing. I desperately needed to go on a trip but while I had begun stepping out of my home and meeting a person or two here and there, spending an hour or so at the mostly empty cafe, I was aware that I wasn’t going anywhere further. 

Each time I start to feel low, I begin thinking about how my life has been so full of adventure. Sometimes I feel like I have lived so many different lives in just this one, with the best memories of growing up in Calcutta, building my career amongst the most wonderful people I came across in Chicago, my return to the motherland in a whole new city, Bangalore, the love affair with New York City, living up on a high rise in Hong Kong followed by a higher rise in the mountainous state of Himachal. 

With the close shaves I’ve had with death, I’ve never believed in having a ‘bucket list’ - if there was a place I wanted to visit, there was no waiting to do it. I’ve never planned too far ahead - a few months at the most and in the past 3 years - it probably has been no more than 2 months. Having chosen to retire at a younger age and being single, I had the freedom to do things without having to wait, uncaring about how many vacation days I had left and because I rarely travelled lavishly, without having to worry about whether I could afford it.

Every travel adventure I have had has the people I met associated with it. Like there was this time in Granada, Spain when I was walking around with a map, no data on my phone, completely lost. A young girl travelling from the US, equally lost, also not speaking a word of Spanish, ended up spending the afternoon with me, having lunch at a charming Turkish restaurant and finding our way back to our respective Airbnb’s. Or the artist that was selling his paintings at San Marco Square in Venice, who, after exchanging many laughs together, took me to his favourite pizzeria for dinner. Or the quirky camel rider in Jaisalmer, who invited me to his home in the middle of the desert to meet his family and who I am still in touch with on a regular basis. 

How can I not be thankful for the adventure of starting a cafe from scratch, the freedom to run it the way I want, without the financial worry? For being a part of the short film that I had a hand in. Sometimes I feel like I’m the luckiest person with life having given all kinds of opportunities to do the things that I used to always fantasise about.

These stories and so many, many more have given me the most heartwarming memories that can actually help me get through the rest of my days. There is absolutely nothing I would change about my past, including the accidents, a life threatening illness, being almost pushed out of a running train and being a hostage in a bank robbery, as every one of those experiences has changed my life in positive ways. 

Thanks to my semi-vagabond lifestyle that has had me believe that my home is where I am at the present time, I feel all the more restless and imprisoned. Making it even more important to keep the memories of all these adventures alive and hoping that things will get back to the way they were. Where I can once again eat a meal with a stranger sitting just two feet away, where I can breathe without a mask on, where I can leave the house without worrying about getting sick. 

I hope that each and every one of you, who is most likely leading a life very similar to mine, is able to stay happy, to drive away any anxiety that you may be experiencing from time to time, to appreciate all that you have now, the life you’ve lived so far and to believe that you and the rest of us will come out of this stronger and a better version of ourselves. 

Who knows what life has in store but I am certainly ready for a new adventure. An adventure that is a lot less restricting than this current one.