A couple of years ago I decided that I would publish a book of short stories and began writing them as and when I came up with an idea. Well, I haven't made too much progress and with all the uncertainty we've been going thru this past year, who knows what's in store tomorrow. And so I figured that I would begin sharing the stories on my blog instead. Here's the first one. I hope you enjoy it.
Dear Vinay
I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a letter using a pen and paper. There’s a perfectly good reason why I am handwriting this. Or at least it sort of makes sense to me. I don’t want to go back and change something or make corrections to what I’ve written, like I could on my laptop or phone. The first words that come to me are the words that I want you to read. Yes, I could trash the page and start again but this is beautiful hand-made paper that I’ve bought and it deserves more respect than being in the trash.
It’s been exactly one month and three days since the two of us decided to take a sabbatical from our respective jobs so we could think about our situation without being distracted by work emails and conference calls and deadlines and our self importance in organizations that would replace us in no time if we quit.
It’s been almost a month since we’ve taken a sabbatical from each other. Every morning when I wake up, I think of you being somewhere in the hills and I can’t help feeling a teeny bit jealous. Not because I wish I was also in the hills - you know I’m too much of a city girl - but because I feel that the surrounding beauty may make you forget me. As for me, I’m back in our apartment where everything reminds me of you. Doesn’t seem quite fair, does it? Of course, I could be elsewhere, just like you but after a couple of weeks of scampering around, I needed to be back in my comfort zone.
Six years of being together isn’t very long. Our parents have been together a lifetime without seeming unhappy or restless. Does ‘restless’ best describe how we’ve been feeling about being with each other in a committed relationship? Should we have become a habit by now and be satisfied with going through the motions of everyday life? Is it unrealistic to expect us to continue to be madly in love after all these years? I’m aware that the answer to the last question is that of course it is unrealistic and we should have transitioned seamlessly into the next phase of our relationship.
I just wish we knew what that phase is supposed to be.
Together we made a decision to not have kids, since we seem to be missing the parental instinct that most couples apparently have. It hasn’t been easy with all the questions and the probing, but we were prepared for all of that. ‘Our lives our choice’, right? We’ve always been very sure about the two of us being enough for each other. So then what happened all of a sudden? Why this strange restlessness?
I was talking to Aarti about us yesterday. You know I tell Aarti everything, so yeah I told her about our current situation also. Don’t worry though - everyone else thinks that you’re off to write a book and I’m just taking some time off from work. Aarti on the other hand gets regular updates about what I’m feeling. She said to me that she has never been more sure about any couple as she is about us. And that you and I were meant to spend our lives together. While I usually don’t take such comments seriously, it made me wonder a little about the day that we first met.
It was on the day of Aarti’s 25th birthday. After being the one who had planned the party, I found out the day before that I had to travel to Mumbai the very same night as her birthday for an early meeting the next morning. Makes me smile now but I was so mad!! So I booked myself on the absolute last flight and found myself sitting next to this charming young man who I ended up marrying. Just like in the movies!
The meeting got scheduled at the last minute. Never one to take a red-eye, I made an exception on that day. I reached the airport at the last minute, didn’t do a web check-in and ended up getting seated next to the cutest guy on the flight. Who I may remind you, had missed his original flight thanks to traffic! Coincidence or meant to be?
Last week I was watching a show on Netflix in which a couple with two young children, were discussing their marriage and how the spark had gone out of it. The woman asked her husband how invested he was in their marriage, which really made me laugh. How does one even answer that question? It’s not a retirement fund that you can decide on a percentage of your investment. The husband, in typical film jargon (or is this how people are talking now?) said that he was processing what she had asked and would let her know the answer when it came to him. I honestly could not stop rolling my eyes.
Vinay, I don’t know when you’re coming back home and if this will still be home for you when you return. I’m trying really hard not to overthink but this mind doesn’t take a break. I try to think of each day of those 6 years that we’ve spent together and the ones that come to my mind are some exceptionally good days and some not so great ones. The ‘not so great’ ones seem silly and immature and I honestly only have a fuzzy recollection of them. The good ones on the other hand, I remember clear as day.
There have been times, I admit, when I wished that I was still carefree and single. And knowing you as well as I do, I’m sure that you have the same thoughts. We’ve always known that we aren’t like conventional couples and we like being who we are. They say that opposites attract but it’s our sameness, our way of thinking, what we both expect from life (to continue to evolve and be happy) that makes us such perfect partners. I honestly don’t think that the restlessness is in our marriage. It’s in everything else around us.
Without a doubt, it’s time for some changes. Those changes though are not in how we are with each other. We’ve got into a rut that we have to get out of. How did our careers and earning money get in the way of what we really want in life? We both want more, even if it means that we have less. I have no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way.
Our time apart has made one thing completely clear to me. I definitely don’t want to wake up next to anyone besides you. I miss having you around. I miss your presence. I miss our conversations about everything and nothing. I miss our silences together. I miss going to the movies with you. I miss not agreeing on which movie to watch. I bought a chocolate covered ice-cream bar and missed sharing it with you. I could go on and on. I just miss you and I want you back. Our marriage isn’t broken or breaking. We just have to figure out what the next phase is.
I will accept whatever decision you come back with. Or I will fight for you to be mine forever, though I hope that it won’t be necessary. Please come back home.
With all my love
M
***
With a smile on her face, Maya watched Vinay sleeping without a care in the world. She folded up the letter and put it back into its unaddressed hand-made paper envelope.
